New Energy Plan: Citizens Must Pedal

A Bold New Vision: Hydro Powered by Hamstrings

In a stunning announcement this morning, Ontario revealed its newest energy strategy: FitGrid 2030, a province-wide initiative where ordinary citizens pedal stationary bikes to keep the lights on.

Officials claim the plan will save billions in energy costs, reduce emissions, and “finally make use of all that pent-up road rage.” Every household will soon receive a government-issued spin bike, complete with a smart meter that screams encouraging phrases like:

“Pedal faster, Karen, your microwave just tripped a breaker!”
“Hydro One thanks you for your sacrifice.”
“Your neighbour is generating more power than you — shame.”

How It Works (Allegedly)

According to the leaked technical document (which appeared to be written on a napkin), the system is simple:

You pedal.
The bike converts your suffering into electricity.
Ontario stays lit.
You collapse.
Repeat.

To ensure fairness, the government will introduce wattage quotas. Hit your daily number and your hydro bill is discounted. Fail, and your smart thermostat locks itself at 14°C “to motivate you.”

The TTC Joins In: Spin-Class Transit

Starting next year, several TTC subway stations will feature massive underground cycling rooms. Each delayed train (so, all of them) will require a certain wattage output from commuters before it can depart.

A TTC spokesperson explained:
“If riders want the train to move, they’ll have to earn it. It builds character.”

Rumours suggest Line 1 will be fully cyclist-powered by 2027, assuming 40,000 Torontonians are willing to pedal simultaneously and ignore the existential dread.

Hydro One’s Fitness Division

Hydro One is already preparing their new brand extension: HydroFit — the first electricity provider that also judges your cardio.

HydroFit trainers will visit homes to “assess pedal posture,” remind you to hydrate, and occasionally whisper motivational quotes like:

“Think of the savings.”
“Pain is temporary. Blackouts are forever.”
“Your neighbour just turned on their dryer. Start sprinting.”

Experts Respond: ‘Sure, Why Not?’

Economists are baffled, environmentalists are conflicted, and gym owners are furious. But energy analysts agree on one thing:

“It can’t be worse than what we’re doing now.”

Early pilot programs show mixed results:

In Hamilton, residents powered 14 streetlights before collapsing.
In Barrie, a single cyclist accidentally overloaded a transformer.
In Toronto, a raccoon managed to generate more power than four adults.

Public Reaction: Confusion Meets Acceptance

Ontarians, exhausted from high bills, high taxes, and high stress, seem oddly fine with the idea.

One Milton resident said,
“If pedaling keeps my bill under $300, I’ll cycle like it’s the Tour de France.”

A Brampton resident added,
“Do I get Aeroplan points?”

And a Scarborough senior asked,
“If I pedal for my whole family, does that count? I walk 18 km every day. Give me two bikes.”

Should You Start Training Now? Yes. Start Now.

If you want to survive FitGrid 2030, experts recommend:

Begin hydrating immediately.
Strengthen your quads.
Prepare emotionally for a future where every appliance guilt-trips you.

The province assures everyone this plan will:

Reduce stress (doubtful)
Increase fitness (probably)
Stabilize the grid (no comment)

But one thing is certain:
Your legs have never been this important to Ontario’s future.

Author Note

Tarek builds stories the same way he builds cities — with optimism, missing screws, and a touch of confusion.

New Energy Plan: Citizens Must Pedal